Monday, May 21, 2012

THE NIGHT



MY FIRST ATTEMPT AT HORROR. BE SCARED,BE VERY SCARED!


It was midnight. It was raining and was pitch dark. There was silence all over the place except for the sound of rain. The night looked scary and creepy. Something about this night was spine- chilling. Although there was  heavy rainfall, one could not fail to see the full moon up above the sky. 


They were standing in the parking lot, waiting for the rain to stop. They came here to watch a movie. Almost everyone were gone by now. They were the only souls left there except for the watchman who was half asleep. Even the parking guy was nowhere to be seen. 


Even they should have left the place by now. But they were a bit hesitant because his wife was pregnant. They wanted to avoid any kind of risk. They decided to wait in the car until the rain stopped.


She was getting scared as every second passed. Her heart beats were increasing. Even the lights in the parking lot were slowly being switched off. She held her 'tabeez' tightly for support. She tied her hair into a bun as she once overheard her maid speaking that ghosts could occupy ones body easily when the persons hair was set loose.


What made her think of ghosts and stuff during her pregnancy! What was scaring her!


Something she did during her pregnancy which she should not have done. The result would have a bad affect on the baby. She was not superstitious but was prepared for the worst. The only thing that would cut the bad affect was a worse affect. Something even more dangerous than that bad one. She had to save her baby, no matter what! She had an inner feeling that this was 'THE' night.


She sat silently  in the car. Unknowingly, she fell asleep. She woke up later to find that she was alone in the car. It was not raining anymore but was still dark. She found out that her baby bump was gone. So, this was 'THE' night.


She got down from the car. She started looking for her husband and her baby. She found that the parking lot was not the same. It looked as if someone had destroyed the place. She had something in her hand that would protect her, her husband and baby. She started running all over the place. She found the watchman who was almost dead and had blood all over his body.


She started running faster. In one corner, she found the baby. She was in a shock but she had to remain calm. It was hard for her when the baby looked so scary!




The baby was on her husband trying to rip off its neck. He was drenched in blood. Her husband was helpless and was unable to do anything. She ran towards them. She took something out. It scared her husband. He screamed a "NO" in disbelief. He didn't want his wife to do so. He wanted to stop her but could not.


But she had no choice. Only this step would save her husband. About the baby, she was unsure. She stretched her hand and pressed
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
the 'ON' button of the mini- tape.


Immediately baby baby by Justina Barbie started playing. The baby left its father and put his hand around its ears. It started crying for its mom.  She ran towards the baby, hugged it tight and switched the mini-tape off.



FLASHBACK- She read 'Twilight' during her pregnancy. Days later, she found out that it will have an after-effect on the baby. She knew only 'poison killed poison'. So to break that effect, she HAD to take such a huge risk.


P.S. Don't try to go into the details of the story. Nothing would make sense! Don't even ask for explanation because I am not intelligent enough!


P.P.S. You are free to bang your head but make sure you do not bang it to your computer screen. 


P.P.P.S. On a hopeful note that you will continue to bear with me- 


Kursiyan! Wait......I meant Chairs!! Err......Cheers!!!!! :)
                      



Tuesday, May 15, 2012

"AWW", "GRRRR" AND "YAY" MOMENTS OF MY LIFE

                         My "Awww" Moment :)


Me           - I am a bit childish!
My man- Would you like to take the journey of life and grow up with me? :)
Me           -
     
                   Mentally  - Awwwwwww!
                  Physically- *blush blush*


After 5 years-


                          My "Grrrr" Moment!!!!


Me                       - You love me?!?
My man            - Aur nahi toh kya baby, I love you! (What else baby, I love you!)
What I heard - Auro ki biwi, I love you! (Everyone else's biwi, I love you!)


Me                       -
    

                                 Mentally and physically- Grrrrrrrrrrr!


                                        My "Yay!" Moment :) :)

The little princess  who is not less than a princess awarded me with the versatile blogger award!  *Dhinka chika dhinka chika dhinka chika dhinka chika Yay ya Yay Yayy* 

So for the first time, I am doing an award and passing it to my fellow bloggers. :)

But before I take the name of those lucky winners, let me post and follow the rules.

Rules are-  

1. Create a new post.
2. Thank the lovely person who nominated you for the award. 
3. Pass it on to your fellow bloggers.  
4. State 7 random facts about you.

Thank you Princess!!!!!! You made my day! Now time to make someone else's day :)

Okay, before I do the award, let me tell you- I am not judging anyone. Frankly speaking, I am not smart enough to be a judge :P For me, every blogger is versatile because I blog just to read from you guys! But I plan to share, not pass, with these few fellow bloggers in no particular order.

* Drum-rolls please*

Visha  from Zack and Me is a pretty newly married girl who writes about her life with Zack. Read from her and you might envy her. All single people out there who are scared of getting married, just read her blog and you would want to get married immediately! No, her life is not a fairytale but it is everything that would make a life beautiful! 

Toffee from kismitoffeebar is the best thing that has happened to blogosphere. You read her name and you know it is love at first sight and you read her blog, you know its love forever!

Jas  from Going beyond the pages aka Jaspreet. Her blog is actually beyond the pages. She is many woman in one. Ever seen a picture where a woman has number of hands. That image comes to my mind when I think of her. Read her 'about me' section and you will believe me!

Kinara from Kshahzworld If, ever I have a daughter, I will surely name her Kinara. She is a cutie-pie. She is crazy and sensible. She is a perfect blend of how a girl should be and so is her blog. Just read her!

Rahul  from Crash and Burn I don't think I am capable of awarding him. C'mon, he is a senior to me in this blogging world and he is just AWESOME! You just have to read his "Rapist series" and "Zoo zoo chat" to fall in love with his blog!

Bikram  from Me and my Random thoughts Same is with Bikramji. Just visit his space and look out for the awards section. You will be speechless! He can write from anything to everything! He will scare you, make you laugh, make you cry. Enough said- He is THE versatile blogger!

Nihareeka  from Clandestine Musings I had to, HAD TO give her this award. Reading from her is like reading my own work! She is crazy and so am I. She is like my soul sister. She is completely new in the world of blogging but is following her favorite blogs even before she had a blog. Her comment for the first time as an anonymous reader on my blog bought a HUGE smile on my face :) She and her blog are my latest crush! :D Just go and show her some love :)

Now 7 random facts about me which I already did once and you can read it from here. Apart from these facts, more about me are-

1) I love to break things, a LOT! It doesn't mean that I keep on doing it. My mommy-in-law might not react positively if I do so but yes, she does give me empty bottles, useless jars and something which is no more required any more at home so that I can break, smash, kill and murder them :D

2) I am scared of staying and sleeping alone, even in day time.

3) The trains I travel in,  gets delayed. EVERY SINGLE TIME! The minimum hours till today is 8 and maximum is 11 to 13 :D


4) I don't know the correct counting of numbers in Hindi. I can count only till 20 without making mistakes and after that, its all- Well, lets not talk about it. (I am not proud of this fact!)


5) Whenever I am confused while taking major or minor or any decisions in life, I always do "Inki pinky ponky" and trust me, the decision is cent percent correct! Trust me, this trick has never, ever failed till today. *Touchwood* Even my man counts on it! :D


6) I always forget, every time about the location of my keys. I have the habit of keeping them in different places and the location always skips my mind :( I  , at times wish that there was some way, like when you don't find your cell phone, you give it a ring and you know where it is. Similarly, there should be something like this for keys too.


7) I hate to eat fruits when it is cut by others. Otherwise I love fruits or anything which is edible :D


Now, I know my fellow bloggers are very smart and might not do the 'seven random facts'. So, in case you guys don't want to write random facts about yourself, answer these questions-


1) Have you stopped getting those mental attacks you used to get earlier?
2) My name is "I" and Your name is "You". Tell me who is mad?
3) What means kya?
4) If you had 'Alladin's lamp' , what would you ask for me?
5) Tell me the name of the persons who shake their hands on Nokia instruments?
6) When is your birthday? 
7) I am hungry! What will you cook for me? I am a vegetarian.


Apart from these blogs I am just madly and deeply in love with Confused soul's blog. Every post by her will amaze you!


P.S. Guys, stop being the Aamir Khan of this blogging world and please accept the award! And you have to, HAVE TO do this tag! You don't have a choice :) Its a request, please!


P.P.S. Its okay if you don't write random facts about yourself. Please answer the questions as they are world's greatest mystery till today! Please enlighten me :)


P.P.P.S. I am not following all the rules. I am not informing anyone. Let them come here and get a surprise :)


P.P.P.P.S. How can my post end without asking you to bear with me! Please bear with me :)

Thursday, May 3, 2012

THE BIG FAT INDIAN WEDDING- SHAADI BARBAADI!

Hello Males and Maals ;)


How have you been?  Did you recently thank God for my disappearance?  *tch tch* Ever heard of the phrase- Haste makes waste! Sorry, but I am back :)
Wedding in the family kept me busy. No, I am not a 'vella' otherwise! I, being the elder 'bahu' of the khandaan, was overloaded with responsibilities. Err....No, I did not goof up :D


Weddings in Delhi are a GRAND affair. Trust me, it would put all the Bollywood movies  to shame including "Hum aapke hain kaun"  which completely revolved around a wedding!
Wedding in my family is no less. You think I had fun!?! Ghanta!!



These few days were only about food, parties, mehendi, dance, shopping, parlour sessions, guests, gifts from guests, more dance and more and more food! And the after affects are loose motions and sore legs :(  But amazing fun it was!!


One more thing about weddings are sharing of rooms. Because of unlimited guests, rooms are sacrificed by the family members for the comfort of guest. Luckily, I was spared!


But something happened!  :O


                               SEXUAL  ASSAULT  :O


Relax!!! There is no need to panic! 
When I said I didn't have to share my room with the guests, I refused. Out of courtesy, baba! I mean, its rude when everyone is doing the same and you are acting as a VIP. So I decided to sleep with the maals.
But my man was unaware of this change. He slept early that night. Around midnight, he started feeling cold. Instead of switching the AC off, he started to snatch the blanket. Tried thrice but failed! 
In the end, he just entered that blanket.
Inside the blanket, he heard a scream. It belonged to my brother-in-law :D. 
He was shocked not to see me there. Next morning, he was charged for an attempt to rape :D.
And the perfect song for the situation- "Bed pe soya tha behnoi, main tanne samajh ke so gaya, mujko rani ji maaf karna, galti mahre se ho gaya :D"


As I said earlier, weddings are a grand affair. The venue of the wedding was a farmhouse. Because the wedding was in the open, we decided to book two vanity vans, just in case if there were shortage of rooms.
Something happened there also!


                            ALMOST KIDNAPPED :O


It was around 2 in the midnight. My man decides to take a small nap. He enters the van. But the small nap turned out to be a "Kumbhakaran's sleep".
He wakes up because of some movement. He is shocked to see that the van is moving! On approaching the driver, he too was shocked to see someone in the van! 
The thing is the van was booked for 12 hours. After its schedule was over, the van decided to leave. But took my man along :(
Poor guy (I mean the driver) had to come back and drop my man to the marriage venue!


Well, this is something that took place in this wedding. Now something about my wedding :) :D


                              STEALING THE SHOES!


My wedding was the first wedding in my family. Everyone decided to have loads and loads of fun. My siblings and cousins were busy making different kinds of plans.
Now let me tell you something! All my brothers and sisters are naughty, VERY naughty. (I heard you! They are exactly like me.) They did live up to their plans. 
They added salt in the ice-cream, added stone in the pan, coins in laddus, and what not! Same stuff you see in movies took place over there. 
It was time to steal the groom's shoes. On seeing the smartness of my siblings, they acted smart and mixed groom's shoes with everyone else's. But, my siblings stole everyone else's shoes too :D (whoever was present there!)
They could not digest the fact that we were smart than them. Out of revenge, they stole my sandals!
Not only this, they chose the vanity van to hide it! When I was called for "pheras", I said I couldn't go. Everyone was SHOCKED! I told them that my sandals were stolen. When the thieves (groom's friends and siblings) were asked to bring them, they found that the van has left the venue :O.
The van was called back again and the "pheras" were delayed for two good hours! :D


There are many such incidents, but some other time about them. May be, the day when you are bestowed with the power of bearing me :D
Still let me share one more incident. (Last! Pukka wala promise :D)


                        EARLY MORNING'S FIRST POOP :P


Don't go with the name! Its not as dirty as you think it to be. This incident took place after my marriage, the day I had to cook my first meal. I decided to make Chinese.  One of the dishes I cooked was 'Chilly paneer'. I was expecting lots of compliments (specially from my man) as I happen to be a good cook :D. But-


MAN- Is there any way these spring onions can come out of chilly paneer?
ME-  *blank expression*
MAN- I don't like spring onions!
ME-
Inside my head-
                                    Come in the room bacchu, You will cry without onions!


Walking away and muttering under my breath-
                                                                                                      Koi baat nahi! Kal subah apne aap nikal jayega!  (Don't worry! Tomorrow early morning, it will come out on its own!)


The sentence I was muttering under my breath was heard by one and all :/
And one and all includes around 30 elder ones of my family! :O


My family still reminds me of this! :| Awesome wala impression I made over there of "Nayi naweli dulhan"! But I was relieved when I found that everyone was laughing with their hands on their stomach and water in their eyes *phew*! 


P.S.  I am really very sorry for this long gap and even more sorry for not commenting on your posts! *Holding both my ears and doing sit-ups*  I tried to take out time and read and comment also. But still, no excuses! I am sorry.
P.P.S. Until you are bestowed with the power of bearing with me, please try to bear with me (without those powers) :D











Friday, April 6, 2012

FIRST 55 FICTION (SCOLDINGS) AND A WELCOME SPEECH :)

He left for temple like he did everyday. Before going inside he would distribute biscuit packets amongst kids who sat there. He forgot to bring them for next two days. Third day, a girl came and scolded him, "You have become careless! Don't forget to get them tomorrow!" He smiled and took out the packets.


Now- A WELCOME SPEECH :)


Ladies and laid ass (Men, I am talking to you!). Welcome to my  your pagalkhana! Okay.....Fine! I know its late, like VERY VERY LATE but still I decided to welcome you guys. I just realised that I never thanked you for commenting or following my blog. Most importantly, I never thanked you for bearing with me! I see many heads nodding in approval and "happy realization" has reached my ears.


No excuses! None at all. There is a reason but not good enough! Frankly speaking I never thought that I would ever, like EVER get a comment on any of my posts or anyone would even follow me! The only reason I started blogging was to read from you guys and writing- as I always say, I am learning to write. I never thought anyone would ever read my blog.


When I started blogging, I asked my man, "Who's gonaa read this shit and who the hell would comment!"
He being the sweet one said, "Don't worry baby, I will comment as a different user every time you post something. This way you would get atleast few comments."


So even he had the feeling that my blog would be a deserted island.


More than that, I knew this man hated reading as much as I love it! He reads only 'Mills and Boon' that too only few pages. I am sure you must have understood which pages I am talking about!


You know, someday, if I would give him divorce papers saying, "Baby....I signed them.....Your turn now." He would happily sign them without reading and only later he would found them to be property papers :D You get the gist now?


So guys, I never expected any of you. You are like flowers, food and belly dancers on this deserted island.  I mean it! *sniff sniff* (Getting a bit senti here)


So let me begin with the speech :) -


*Blank*
*still blank*
*asking my 3 year old neighbour kid for help*
*searching Google for a welcome speech* 


:D......Guys....Screw the formalities! You don't need a welcome. This is YOUR blog! You can come here, leave a comment (good, bad- anything!), write an entire blogpost (Trust me, I wouldn't mind. Its your blog after all!), throw a party- also pay for the food and drinks and do anything you feel like! You can even flirt with your fellow blogger at your own risk :D Everything in this blog is yours......EVERYTHING except for the ID and password. Kidding! No, I am not.......ofcourse I am kidding! Chuck it!


So......err.....This is the so called welcome speech. 


P.S. There is a lot of confusion about my relationship status. Guys! I am the confused here.....have mercy on yourself! I am happily married for the last five years. Can't say the same about my man   Being married for the last five years doesn't mean I am 72 years old and you have the right to call me "Aunty"! Don't you dare do that! I am only 23 years old and I will ***$!!^&)(*&^%$£"£$%^"£$%^***** if you call me aunty!!


Nothing is written in a foreign language or a foul language! It only means that even I don't know what I would do but I would definitely do something. Maybe call you uncle or grandpa!


P.P.S. What is you problem here! That I wrote "only" before 23 years old. Suppose I gave you a cheque of 23 lacs rupees, wouldn't you ask me to write "only" over there?!? tch...tch......Never expected this from you :(


P.P.P.S. I am NOT giving a cheque of rupees 23 lacs "only" over here. I meant it hypothetically! 


P.P.P.P.S. Finally I would like to thank you guys for commenting, following and bearing with me :) I just hope you continue to bear with me :)

Thursday, March 22, 2012

ABOUT ME :/

I have been tagged for the first time! Yay!! You know, while I was reading  this post from  Visha, I was wondering and hoping to get tagged. Confused D was written on the list of names but I was so confused that I clicked on it to verify if it was my blog or someone else's  :/  So, here I am with my tag. Thank you  Visha :)

There were some rules which Visha said was alright if not followed. But in short, it is about informing the world how crazy you are and answering few questions that fellow blogger has asked :)

So eleven things about me are -:

1) My name is CD. It stands for Confused D. It is because I have many 'official' names! Whenever a person asks, "Beta, what's your name?" My answer is, "Wait, I'll ask mom!"
By the time I reach mom for an answer, the background of my mind plays -'What's my name! What's MY NAME?!? WHAT'S MY NAME?????? shielaaaa...........Shiela ki jawani......I'm too sexy for you :D.....main tere haath na aani!!'  No, I am not exaggerating. This actually happens!

2) I cannot fall asleep until someone pats me to sleep. My man does that religiously EVERY-SINGLE-NIGHT! And if he is out on a tour, I pat myself to sleep :D

3) If the patting doesn't put me to sleep, I start playing antakshri. No, not with my man! I play it with myself. You see.....I have many names, no! I divide myself in two teams and start singing. No, I am not talking about singing songs in my heart. I actually sing them aloud! Then   there are a set of rules which, if not followed leads to argument between the teams. No, I DO NOT NEED A SHRINK!!!! So this antakshari followed with an argument makes me tired and that is when I fall asleep!


4) I feel earthquake tremors a lot, like a LOOOOOTTTTT!!!!! All the time, I have this feeling that the earth below me is shaking. No, its not because of my dancing!  Twice, it so happened that there were real tremors and I did not react thinking them to be my imagination!


5) Because of the earthquake tremors, my man falls from the bed EVERY-SINGLE-NIGHT :D What the hell, You think I push him from the bed!?! Huh!! Yes, I dance when I am asleep but my man falls because of the tremors.


6) I get very weird dreams. My blog posts are nothing when compared to those dreams. I have the habit of noting down every dream in a diary. hThis post of mine narrates one of my dream.


7) I faint at the thought of writing poetry! If I am asked to make an attempt, all I would write is- Cat met a rat,
      They had awesome sex, 
      on the mat.
I used the word 'awesome sex' here so that people don't misunderstand it to be written by a three month baby.


8) Although I am a girl, I still can keep secrets for ever and hate gossiping! Once my grandmom (who happens to be a lady Hitler) was sharing someone's secret with me and other  members. I freaked out on her saying that, "Can't anyone trust you with their secrets!"  My family still reminds me of this bravery act of mine!


9) I am a ball magnet. Give your non-vegetarian mind a bit of rest. I mean football, basketball, tennis ball, cricket ball and all balls available in the store near you. Wherever I am,  if someone happens to play with a ball around, it will automatically come to me! My man is  scared to watch cricket and football matches on television with me! If the ball attraction increases even one more percent, I am sure they would break my television screen and come and land on my lap!


10) I love my books, laptop, camera, cell phone, iPod, balloons(vegetarian balloons) and all my gadgets a LOT. I cannot share these with anyone! You ask for it and I will say a straight NO! I might give the book but will want it back immediately! If not returned in few days, I will spam your inbox, facebook wall with the 'Return book immediately' message! (I know balloon is not a gadget but I just LOOOVVVEEEE balloons. If you see any kid crying because someone has stolen his/her balloon, the thief could be me :D)


11) I cannot lie. No, its not that I consider it a bad habit, its just that I am a bad liar. I am given instructions, things-to-say are told beforehand, I prepare myself mentally but when the time to talk comes, Ijustblurtoutthetruth! So, whenever situations demands a lie, I keep my mouth SHUT! In fact, that is the only time when I am quiet :D


      Haashh!!! Finally done! You know, I can go on and on and on! But I am sure after reading this you must be thinking, "she is dangerous to mankind. She should not move freely on the roads!" But trust me, people around me did try to put me in the nearest mental hospital. But as soon as the Agra Mental Hospital people found that I was coming, they shut it down! Huh!


Now the 11 questions-:


1) Early riser or a late sleeper - Both actually. Late sleeper because of my sleeping habits I mentioned above and early riser because there is a rule at my place that every 'BAHU' is supposed to come out of their rooms before 7. And yes, they cannot step out without a bath! Typical Marwari family!


2) Holiday on a beach or a mountain - Holiday on a beach. I don't mind if anyone sponsors my holiday :D


3)List the cities you have lived in so far - A city in Nepal (I was born there) then Vijayawada, Rajahmundry and now Delhi. These are the places where I spent more than five years of my life. I can list few more places but they come under five category.


4) What kind of music do you like - Acoustic music, unplugged and sufi.


5) How many BFFs do you have - Three.


6) Last movie you saw - Kahani. Everyone is giving the same answer for this question!


7) Name of your first school - Arniko Boarding School.


8) What is the first thing that comes to your mind when you hear the word 'first love' - If not fulfilled, make it your password :D Kidding. But there are too many to list- A kids smile, winters, food, my man, balloons.......Its a never ending list  :)


9) What is the first thing you notice when you go to a restaurant - Ambience.


10) List the most inspiring bloggers to you - Everyone in this blogging world. Trust me, I mean it! They are the only reason I started blogging. 


11) Blogging to you is - Free means to read from awesome writers and you can also let them know how you feel about it :) Blogging is only about reading. I just can't write. I am learning to write.


Okay...I am done. I plan to tag my fellow bloggers also. I know after reading this stuff, its a bit  difficult but still, bear with me :)

Sunday, March 18, 2012

1OOO1 WAYS TO GET YOURSELF A GIRLFRIEND :) ;) :D

Oh no! I am not trying to garner any kind of attention. I am just trying to give few genuine tips to all the single guys in the world on how to get himself a nice, sweet, sexy, intelligent and a hard to get girlfriend. So, MUST READ FOR MEN! 

And about girls, we are always curious about anything and everything! So obviously, we SHALL read :)

So all you desperate single guys over there- Here begins the road to mingle ;)

1) Tell her you are a Tushaar Kapoor, Himesh Reshamiya, Justin Beiber and Rebacca Black's fan. She is running away for ever!

2) Tell her you read Twilight, loved it and Robert Pattinson happens to be your role model. Next thing she is doing is introducing you to all her single friends who happen to be male.

3) Do not write a love letter! Its sweet but DON'T do it and do it ONLY if you have learnt calligraphy. I say this because most of the men (No offence to those guys who write well, I do not mean typing! I am talking about using a pen and a paper!) their handwriting is more than a disaster! Show it to a ill man and he will surely get a heart attack! 
                          
                           I asked my man to note down an address. He handed me a piece of paper. I threw it as I saw VERY tiny, small black ants moving in a zig-zag manner in that bit of paper. When I noticed it carefully, I found out that they were not ants. It was the address which my man noted on that bit of paper! Yes, this happens when men attempt to write something! Sometimes the colour of ant changes from red to blue to black. Different colours of pen, you see. He was lucky that I found about his handwriting after marriage!

4) Give her compliments but be frank. It doesn't mean that you ask her if her display picture was photo shopped! 

5) If you are meeting her for the first time or if she is meeting you for the first time, do not tell her "Hey! I know you. I stalked you on Facebook! Do you wanna make fraaandship!"

6) If she asks you out, do not tell her "Let me ask my mom!" No 'mummy se poochna over here'.

7) Do not misguide and buy a pack of balloons for yourself after reading point 6. Its a trap. The day of that 'so called DATE' happens to be on the day of India-Pakistan match!

8) Do not start weird conversations. For example-
            
              Boy- Are you American?
              Girl- No.
              Boy- Are you American??
              Girl- No!
              Boy- Are you American???
              Girl- NOOOO!!!
              Boy- Are you American????
              Girl- YES!
              Boy- Wow! You don't look like one!

9) Do not dedicate her songs like 'Auntyji....Auntyji.....Get up and dance'

10) One small story before this point. (Bear with me!) 
     
                    There was a girl who got married when she was 18.     Her man thought she was a kid and played 'High school musical series' for her. Don't even ask what must have happened that night!
                                           So the point No. 10 is- We are bad girls who never get caught! We watch 'High school musical' only with moms :D and for God's sake, WE DON'T WATCH HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL !

P.S. I did not misguide anyone! I wanted to write about few tips to get a NICE, SWEET, SINGLE, SEXY AND A HARD TO GET GIRL! Such girls don't exist and if they do, they obviously are hard to get! 

P.P.S. The title says 10001  WAYS TO GET YOURSELF A GIRLFRIEND. I listed down only 10 ways which won't get you a girlfriend. The other points not mentioned over here happen to be the rest '10001' points and I am totally clueless about them!

P.P.P.S. The courtesy of point no.10 goes to my man. He is hiding his face in shame :D 

P.P.P.P.S. Bear with me :)

Saturday, March 3, 2012

LOVE SEX AUR DHOKHA......DARLING

Love Sex aur DHOKHA....DARLING
LOVE Sex aur Dhokha........
LOVE SEX aur Dhokha.......DARLING
LOVE SEX AUR DHOKHA!!!! (remember my habit of completing the song while writing also???)


LOVE is                                      ...........................................

SEX is                                         awesome ;) :P :D

DHOKHA is                               what just happened with you *buddhu banaya, bada mazza aaya*

DARLING                                  all my followers and fellow bloggers :)

This post has nothing to do with either love, sex or dhokha! Just an old way of getting attention! I am sure you all must have watched this movie because of its name value. Now read this post also.


MAN is                                      advanced, modern and latest version of MONKEY. Yes, you heard me right. (No offence to monkeys.)

WOMAN is                               ask men ;)

INVISIBLE is                           Anil Kapoor's chest.

ANIL KAPOOR is                   advanced, modern and latest version of a bear.

SONAM KAPOOR is              irritating and a fat frog turned into a princess.

ELEPHANT is                         Mr. Ram Kapoor of 'bade acche lagte ho'. No offence to Mr. Elephant.

FACEBOOK is                         sasta, sunder and tikau (cheap, beautiful and best) means of stalking your current and ex girlfriend/boyfriend without the fear of being caught.

ORKUT is                                 place where you stalked and always got caught and then dumped.

GIRL is                                     one who screws you and your life and you are still smiling!

LIFE is                                      about moving on :)

GAY is                                       definitely not a married man!

HUSBAND is                          whose hasi (smile) is always band!

MAID is                                   important than husband! There should be 'karva chauth vrath' for maids also.

DAILY SOAP is                     only means that remind us that our life is not that bad.

REALITY SHOW is              like politician. All they do is show a glimpse of themselves, ask votes and enjoy with our money for rest of their life with a smile on their face which turns out to be longer than Deepika Padukone's legs. No, really!

DEEPIKA PADUKONE      No comment. My male readers might take offence.

CD is                                       not an old version of DVD. Its my name, Confused D.

Confused is                            my condition when someone asks my name. Confusion sucks but confused people ROCK.

ROCK is                                 pather  (stone). Girls ROCK and Boys PATHER!!

A FLYING TITANIC is       Kingfisher Airlines!!

THREE GOLDEN WORDS             

  Let's get naked. I love you :)

MYTH                                    A way to man's heart is through his stomach.
FACT                                      A way to man's heart is below his stomach.

HOW DO GIRLS INCREASE THEIR WEIGHT??????

                                                Everytime they open their mouth to talk!

HOW TO LOSE WEIGHT?????????????????????????

                                                 *blank* *still blank*  *losing my hair because of thinking too much* I am giving up now. Continue talking!


Everything written above was not bullshit! It just proved that 'Man is a social animal'. Sometimes a monkey, at times elephant and bear and frogs also!

Apart from this bullshit, I have one more shit news to share. SUPERRRNICKKK!!!!  recently awarded me with the 'OVERLORD AWARD'. Yay!!!! Why???? I don't know! I did not bribe him! Sacchi, bread pakode ki kasam.



There are certain rules with this award. As they say, WITH GREAT POWER COMES GREAT RESPONSIBILITIES. But I am being a bit selfish here. I would like to keep this award for few days and the responsibility would be fulfilled in the next post. Please bear with me, atleast till then. I might just award you :D :P :) :)


P.S.             Love is not a dash or a blank space. It has different meaning for different people.  Example is 'best way to have free sex without the trouble of getting married'  best feeling ever! Leave your opinion in the comments section.

P.P.S.        Only roses will be accepted. Guns, stones, abuses, rotten tomatoes, eggs(I am a vegetarian) will be ignored. So, don't even bother yourself! Spread love :)


Wednesday, February 22, 2012

PICTURE PERFECT EXPERIMENT

This post is an experiment (as the name suggests) by a very VERY VERY popular blogger. She was misunderstood to be a male writer because of her name. God, is she popular? Hell, yeah! I mean I wish I could write like her. She is funny, witty and humor flows in her blood. She is like the Rajnikanth of the blogging world. I don't know her personally but I have read every single post written by her and it makes me to read more and more from her. Yes, she is amazing and none other than SpacemanSpiff. *A round of applause* ( Hope she likes the introduction:) ) This thing should be paid!!

This post was due on 17th of February but 'hum toh hum hain, baaki sab paani kam hain!'  (Sorry, I will try and not write more PJ's) I follow Indian Strechable Time (not always but better late than never). Frankly speaking, I don't want to blame time. I just couldn't write. No, I have not been suffering from what you guys call Writer's bloc (This happens with intellectual people only). No idea crossed my mind (YES, I do have one!) Actually I have been feasting on previous blog posts written by fellow bloggers. I am proud to say that I have read each and every post from the blogs I follow :D and ashamed to say that I still can't write near to what they write :( I was wondering if I could comment on your previous posts (it can be two years old also!) Do let me know :)


Amazing picture na? I know :P You can treat your eyes with more amazing pictures from here (Wait!!!! Go there after reading this post because I am sure you guys won't return once you go there *threatening you with a loaded gun on your forehead*  *making a puppy face*)


THE WAIT................


Sitting there , they waited. On the bench which over these years had become their spot. This was not the first time. They literally grew up there. They met at this very place for the first time. They were six then. They came there for a school picnic. He was tying his shoe lace and she was waiting for a friend who had gone to pee. He hardly noticed her. But things changed. They watched stars, first snow at this very place. As kids, they would come and sit here after being tired of chasing each other. As teens, they shared their lunch and as adults, they shared their secrets at this very place. This bench became their spot. But today there was nothing but silence. The silence was not peaceful today. The wait was getting longer.

She waited for the rains so that it would hide her tears.
He waited for the ray of sunshine from the clouds for a positive sign.

Yes, they waited for different things.

"Say something." he whispered.
"I don't know." she replied.
"Take your time. I will wait." he said.
And again silence prevailed.

She recalled the events that happened this morning. She did not expect this. But on second thoughts, why not? These things do happen on Valentine's Day. And this was just a pleasant surprise. I love you were said before, but never this way.

For the first time, these three words gave goosebumps.

For the first time she had butterflies in her stomach.

Was this the kind of magic her friends always talked about!

"But why?" she thought again. "The cool, the Mr. Popular, the hard to get guy is here waiting for an answer from me!"

"She is hurt. I know that. But I will wait." he thought.

She recently broke up. It was painful. And he knew that.

Things were simple when they were kids. All they had to do was play with her kitchen set and pretend to be the man and the wife.

She always liked him but he never noticed her. This was what she thought.

He always liked her but was scared that he might lose her if his feelings for her were revealed. This was what he thought.

They heard a thunder.

"I told you it would rain. Let's go." she spoke.
"Trust me. It won't." he said.

She realised he did not say this in context to the weather.

He decided that any length of wait was worth if it was for her.

She decided that she had waited for long and it was decision time now.

"...........but on a condition." she finally spoke.

"Anything. Anything for you. Whatever you say.......Unlike others, I won't claim to get the moon and the stars for you but I promise to watch them every night on this very bench. Unlike others, I won't claim to not fight with you, but I promise to be the one saying sorry ALWAYS. Unlike others, I won't claim you to take on a world tour, but I promise you to make you my world." he said.

"Really?" she asked.
"Trust me." he whispered.
"But you didn't even notice me when we first met." she said.
"You remember your friend. You remember what she was doing. Sorry, but I was a boy even then." he said.

He waited again for her condition.

"Okay! So promise me to increase your weight. I don't want you to look younger to me. But it shouldn't be more than 7.75 kilos. And also promise me to use a sanitizer before eating. And wipe your break pakoras with a tissue before eating. And grow your hair a little but not more than few inches.........."

"W-H-A-T?????"

"What W-H-A-T! I have more! Afterall, I am a girl!"

And they waited again. This time he waited for the rains and she waited for the sunshine.

Moral of the story Boys will always be boys and girls will always be girls...........NO MATTER WHAT!!!!!!!

P.S. This was a very, very stupid attempt by me. This post was supposed to be romantic, according to the picture. But my imagination broke boundaries (this time literally :P) I am still learning to write. Hopefully, with all the good advice from you, I might improve someday (fingers crossed). Till then, please bear with me :)



Thursday, February 9, 2012

GADBADD HO GAYI.........CHUTTI HO GAYI !

Aree....aree....mujhko sambhalo, main chali (Now, in croaked voice, sing along I know you are an expert) aree gadbad ho gayi.........aree sitti baj gayi.....aree chutti ho gayi (back to your own i.e croaked voice) apna juluss tum nikalo main chali.........



Masst song na? I know:D


Heard of the phrase 'disaster queen' or something as 'Queen of blunders'. Yes? Good!


Saw her? No? Its okay! You will meet her shortly.


My life has FEW incidents  which make me one.


1)  I am not much of a movie person. I try watcing only selected few. But the fact is that any movie I choose, turns out to be a bigger disaster (Yes, my posts are little ones when compared to these movies) Heard of 'Jhoom barabar Jhoom' ,'Tashan' ,'Kites' ,'Jhootha Hi Sahi', 'Ram Gopal Verma ki Aag', Aree.........the same ones with which you scared your little ones and is still used as third degree torcher in all the police departments. What???? Even google shows 'no results'. It was the last ray of  my hope to remind you of these movies (No, you have done nothing wrong and I do not hold any grudge against you...Okay! Whatever!) I have watched all of these (Yes, hire a hitman and get me killed, now!) But, seriously, tell me- Don't you think I deserve some kind of bravery award or something. One more thing, I don't know if something is wrong with me but I still like 'Jhootha Hi Sahi' (Am I normal?!? Hell, no! I am Confused, Confused D i.e, CD!!!) Whatever that was!


2)  Talking about movies, ever had a friend who always kills the suspense? How dare you ask me if I was one of them!!! I am gonna sue you even if you are a lawyer! Kidding baba (I would never take such risks) Actually I am one of them *hiding her face* Please don't hate me!!!!!!!!!!!
Everyone said 'Race' was a movie with more twists and turns than they have in a hot, yummy, crispy jalebi(Yumm......zyada khaoge....mote ho jaoge...SO CONTINUE READING!!) But, I being me, judged the entire story after 15 minutes of its beginning( No, I did not watch the hollywood wala version, if there was any) and WHOAAA every single word I utterred was upto the mark! Don't worry! I never do the same with books! (What?? No, You just can't stop talking to me because of point 1 and 2. After all I am a human and - To err is human (me) and to forgive is demon divine (you)!:))

No prize for guessing that I did not have company for many of my next movies and that explains why I am not much into movies!


3)  Okay! I am sure everyone travels by train. One wise advice from the heavens - Never, like NEVER EVER board a train in which I am travelling. No, I won't bore you to death! But trains I travel in, be it whichever, even like Rajdhani, tends to delay! I know its not a Big deal. We Indians have our own Indian Stretchable Time. But, how about 13 hours :O Yeah, I know! The trains I travelled has been THIS late! Least is 8 hours and maximum till date is 13 hours late. No, you idiot, this does not happen with the metros!


 4)  I am sure everyone is scared of injections. Well, I am just not scared of them. I get HORRIFIED at the sight of injections!!! I will cover my eyes and mute the volume even if this sight happens to be on television and face to face, toh.......don't even ask! You might be a brave person but I might just scare the shit out of you.
I am sure you must be thinking, big deal.....blah....blah and all but thats not it! I slapped (skip this if you can't read it........I AM NOT increasing the size of the font there!!) Yes.....Yes (hiding my face in the pillow which has dozens of more pillows and which has a huge pile of clothes that you all have not washed in the last decade, this pile does not include undergarments! Come on! I am sure you washed them and Yeah, the pile of clothes doesn't smell bad!) I literally slapped  a poor fellow who was just trying to convince me that it wouldn't hurt and poor thing...........Next movement.....my hand and his face!! I am so very ashamed of this particular incident even today :(( This happened two years back.


5)  Hehe...........I am not writing about my blunders any more! This must have already created an everlasting impression.

6)  There is nothing about point 6. I am just going to eat those hot, yummy, crispy jalebis which was mentioned above:)

7)  Nothing important about point 7 also. Just wanted to say that please enjoy the post(hadd hain yar!! atleast try toh karo......and try until you succeed!!) while I enjoy my jalebis :D


Thursday, February 2, 2012

AAP PAANCH CRORE RUPAY JEET GAYI HAIN !!!!!

The title of the post has nothing to do with its content. And now that KBC is over, my chance of winning five crores is a complete dream!(I am anyways not that intelligent)

 Yes, this is what this post is about. My dream or should I say a nightmare(Don't run! Its little less scary when compared to my posts:D) Actually it is a part 2 of my previous post which in case, you are interested you can read itthe.Because I gave you this link means you will for sure read and comment, the link is here means you should read it and have to read it(making a puppy face)

Anyways, its okay if you dont read it, it was anyways bullshit I will begin from the beginning and please don't run.....its a scary dream and I might need you to comment to be there if I am scared. So this nightmare occurred because of result of watching the movie 'Nightmare on the elm street' where someone kills people in their dreams(I couldn't finish the movie so don't expect details). Here begins my nightmare (STOP saying- 'finally here she goes')


I was in a crowded place, it was a wedding or a social gathering, I don't remember! I was playing with a swiss knife which I bought for my man from my last visit to Nainital (nice na! planning to gift him on valentines day :D) I was playing with that VERY VERY SHARP knife and giving poses infront of the mirror and suddenly..............................

I slice my neck and it falls on the floor(sad but I am not dead!). Suddenly *poof* appears Raaj Kumar(RK).

RK (in his signature style) : Yeh bacchon ke khelne ki cheez nahi, haath kat jaaye toh khoon nikal aata hain!
CD (holding her mundi with the help of her pony) : Oye uncle! Pehle batane ko nahi hota kya and please PLEASE vicks ki goli lo, khich khich dur karo!
RK : ............................(staring blankly)
CD : And FYI, my neck is cut and there is no blood!
RK : Bhoot! Bhaago!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (And he is gone *sigh*)

Me, still with the mundi in my hand wondering why isn't there any blood. Am I a ghost or my brain is filled with ghaas-phus that there is no space for blood :O

My man sreams 'happy realization' inside my head which is no more in its original place!

Anyways, I move away from the mirror (because I my VERY scared to see myself like this) and try to adjust the mundi on my shoulder. It falls and I try again and hold it tight to save it from getting hurt! I go to my man for help and advice. Lets call him X (No, he is not my ex!! I just named him X here)

ME : X, I need your help!
X     : For what, To help you in scaring the kids or help you in throwing the popcorns in the air to show that its snowing or to..............
ME : Enough, I know what I did! I NEED your help!
X     : Are you alright, Do you have fever?
He comes near and touches my forehead and there goes my mundi :((
X     : Bachaoo!!!
ME  : This is what you say when nothing happens, I need variety X! Tell me something new that I have never heard from you!
X     : Really???? Okay! How dare you! I never expected this from you! Get lost!
ME  : That was lame!
X     : I know but how did this happen? (secretly, he is happy about it)
I tell him how it happened (aur tujhe toh main dekh lungi bacchu!!!)
X     : Hmm......Lets go to the doctor! He will stitch it and you will be normal again.
ME : No, I am scared of the pain. It might hurt while he stitches. Lets just let it be like this and this will be our secret! And I can easily scare everyone by showing them this avatar of mine!
X    : You can scare them in your original avatar also!!!
ME : But, I can even protect the world na, I mean I will scare the bad people and villains and I will be popular. I will be known as MUNDILESS WOMAN and movies would be made on me.........................
X    : Wake up you brainless woman! 
ME :  Baby!! Please baby....my schweet baby....my cutie pie.....
X    :  But you might scare yourself also when you see yourself like this in the mirror!
ME :  thinking(he is right, I did get scared) smart boy!
X    : Lets go now!
We visit the doctor and he stitches it.
From the MUNDILESS WOMAN, I become a brainless girl again! No chance of stardom, no single chance of being popular :(

Next day, I wake up and first thing I do is check my head on my shoulder and Yes, its there (now I wont be scared to check the mirror :D). Later, I tell my man about this dream and tell him how scared I was. Instead of coo-chi-cooing me he has one doubt in his head!

            "WAS I THAAAAAAAT BRAVE IN YOUR DREAM?????????"

And also the valentines day surprise gift was reaveled:(( Will have to think of something else.

P.S.    I had to torcher you with this post because I promised to complete it in my next post!(please, PLEASE bear with me)